Sure, I’m missing out, but that’s part of why I’m happier. I don’t have to see other people having fun without me, so my stupid lady feelings don’t get offended. (Yeah, being a girl still sucks, but nothing’s going to change that.)

Even if I do find out eventually, it hurts a lot less. Which doesn’t really make sense, but that’s okay. I’ve kept busy. I have a lot to do. Not sure if it’s helping me with my studies, but we’ll see. Now that I mention it, last spring I gave up Facebook for Lent and got a 4.0 – possibly relevant.

I miss Plano, my dog (as usual), viola, mommy and daddy (nevermind that I saw them just over a week ago, I still miss them), the pink LeSportsac pencil bag that I either lost or left at home, Nico (my dog), driving 200 miles alone (which I don’t get to do often because it seems like every time I want to go home, so does my brother…I think it’s a conspiracy devised by papa to minimize my driving. He’ll completely deny it, though. And hi mom, I know you’re reading this – no, I’m not bitter, just observing. In fact, I find it amusing), using my wireless keyboard (given up hope on ever finding the receiver), and my non-Austin friends.

N-N-N-NAP TIME! Then study-for-genetics time.

I think I’m getting too fond of my friends. Their opinion matters to me more than it used to, and I feel at a disadvantage because I’m not a better person. By better I mean smarter, more disciplined, more fun to be around. See? Getting a little too close. I mean to push them away a little bit, but as soon as I see an opportunity to have even a little bit of company, I ask, and then get disappointed. Granted, when I am around some people I’m still discontent or bored even.

I hate to think coming to Austin was a mistake. Or maybe studying biology is a mistake. I don’t want to start over, but something needs to change. I wonder if I need different friends, but I’m too shy to talk to new people for the sake of talking. and I like the friends I have, even if I really want to hate them most of the time.

Funnily, I had the very same sentiments last year in Arlington even though I had no friends. Only it’s kind of worse now because my grades are horrible in important classes rather than electives.

Wait. Does that mean friends = bad grades? But either way I’m sad. I just need to sleep less or concentrate better.

I don’t knowww mannn. I just want to know that everything will be okay, but this is the most unsure I’ve felt in a while.

Maybe living alone would have been a better idea.

I care about how he feels. I’m concerned for his safety and mental health. I don’t want him to feel sad or alone. And I want him to understand that I care that much. But I don’t, because I have no right to. We aren’t that close. I don’t even know if we’re friends. This makes me out to be a total creep. And he doesn’t care about me – he wouldn’t care that I care. The fact that I want him to be happy means nothing to him. Only, I don’t know that, and I’m too scared to find out. Because that would leave me in too vulnerable a state. Not to mention, it may turn out that I care a great deal more than I thought, which may very well break my damn heart. Because even though I care about him, I don’t trust him. I don’t think I can trust anyone other than the few that I do already.

For the record, “he” is no specific person. “He” is everyone.

All this trouble, and it’s not even a romantic sentiment. At least I don’t think it is – if it were, would I know? Anyway, I imagine I’ll never find out. I think I’ve already resigned myself to living and dying alone. And it’s not that I don’t mind – in fact, I have this foreboding sense of despair whenever I think about my future.

I really hate to be so melodramatic.

This makes me remember the last time I tried to “open” myself up. Only disaster. Three weeks, I almost couldn’t function: I literally felt my eyes drooping. When I relaxed my face muscles, they formed a frown. I couldn’t walk upright, because my chest felt heavy; I was dragging my heart across the floor. People around me noticed something was wrong – I don’t think I cared enough to try and hide it. I was grateful that no one really pushed the issue.

Even after this great winter break, I harbor no new hope for future relationships (or current and developing ones, for that matter). I don’t expect much out of anything.

The worst part is, I think I’m trying to prevent any more. It helps me cut down on people to care about. But damn people have to be so nice.

Which creates a completely different problem. For the past couple years, I’ve noticed a growing lack of sympathy. It’s not entirely unexpected, especially since for the most part this concerns people I don’t know personally. I don’t want to talk about it too much. And it’s not even out of shame for not caring.  Actually, I don’t really know what.  How do I explain something to paper?  There’s not even a need for me to.

I don’t know what kind of person I am.  I just know that I’m not sad.  I’m not an idealist.  I’m not expecting any sort of relief by making this public.  I certainly don’t expect any comfort from whatever anyone has to say, because I’m not looking for comfort.  I just need for people to understand me a little better.  It may be a little bleak, but I’m alright with all of this.

Some wouldn’t accept it, but I just want you to know that even though a lot of times I feel helpless, alone, and unfulfilled, I have enough moments of fun, happiness, rainbows, and sunshine out my ass to sustain my will to live and enjoy living.

I spent a lot of time with Jessie and Linnea, with whom there is never a dull moment.  Even after knowing the both of them for almost 15 years, I feel like we kind of grew closer after hanging out so much this past month.  That’s not to say we haven’t had lapses of communication, but it’s always so easy to just pick up right where we left off after months of time apart.

And then there was the chilling with some other people I’ve only considered friends for less than 1-5 years.

All in all, this was a very refreshing winter break, especially after a miserable semester in Arlington.  At least this way I can look forward this new semester with a renewed attitude.  Which is an interesting thing for me to say, since I don’t really believe in the whole “new year, new chances” stuff.

I’m really excited to do well.

Post of happy feelings.

On to the trivial stuff.

I finished my first semester of college recently.   The verdict: not bad, but I suspect it will get more difficult.

Academically, I’m doing a few things wrong.   But I’ve been getting better lately.  I just feel really discouraged. There are many leading tones sounding off in my head, begging to be followed on, answered by silence.  What can I do to better myself?

Ha, ha, I started writing this entry on December 4, and so many things I had said are no longer applicable.  A testament to my inability to finish thoughts. Sentences, er, concep —

Great winter break so far!  I’ve been able to visit with Jessie and Linnea a couple times, the Asians (a collective term for any one of them – I won’t be arsed to list them off because it’s all the same, really. Okay, kidding, but they know who they are) and brother is coming home tonight to visit for the weekend.  Not too excited about Christmas Eve or whatever – for us it’s just about food.  At least right now, since I’m not hungry, I don’t care or want to think a whole lot about food.  I’ll probably care tomorrow when I wake up.

Eh, I’m in a rush to finish this just so I can say I posted.  I’m not in an especially good mood right now.  Volatile emotions and whatnot.  You know.  Being a girl.  I could cry right now.  Ugh, I’m about ready to wax poetic about the uncertainty of the future and happiness and misery.  Seriously, terrible angsty one-liners are running through my head (what the fuck kind of line is “running through my head”? what bullshittery) BAHHHHHHHH.

No, it’s okay.  I love life.  And all that rot.

I had a very unsettling dream the other night.